My “helper fit for him”

I have been married to my “helper fit for him”, best friend and sweetheart Connie for almost 15 years and we dated for nearly 5 years so this October we will celebrate 20 years together. We have been through a few seasons together in life and ministry. There are some things I have learned as it relates to our marriage that I think may be helpful to note:

Season One: In our early days of ministry Connie was very involved in every aspect of THE ministry. She was a key volunteer for ministry areas outside of the area I was responsible for and sometimes we would even “pass in the night” in our ministry efforts. In fact for a couple of months each summer we would spend 12 weeks speaking and teaching at camps and she was a Bible study leader on the same team, but as a completely separate functional team for the camp. We did not have a house (we rented a very small apartment) so there was not a lot of house work, we did not have children and for most of the time we did not even have a dog. We were very flexible and thus she was very involved. This was a cool season, but I don’t miss it. It drained our relationship in many ways because we were not sharing in the same struggles together so we were bringing separate baggage and issues and then combining them. That was exhausting.

Season Two: When we moved to Seacoast Church in 2001 we moved into a new phase of our ministry life. Connie became a key leader in MY ministry. I differentiate this from the earlier “THE ministry” in that she now filled roles that I needed her to fill as a part of the ministry area that I was leading. She changed roles several times based on what I needed someone that I really trusted to do. We still did not have a house, no kids and high flexibility. Our time was spent in late-night conversations with leaders, teens and even sporadic decision to go to movies with other twenty-something after group meetings at 10:00 pm…it was fun and we were in some ways doing ministry together so it was very rewarding. I would not give that season up for anything – but I must admit I don’t miss it. It too was exhausting.

Season Three: In 2005 we enetered in to a new season that we are still figuring out. This season came about because we bought a house, had a child (now two) and started to see that we were running a sprint and needed a shift. We prayed and made the decision that we felt that Connie should not work outside the home so that she could be a full-time mom and so we started on a journey to get to that place. We started building relationships with older wiser people instead of hanging out with only people our age because we realized that the blind could not lead the blind and Connie stepped out of most of her church ministry roles to become Mom and my helper. It honestly has been the the most rewarding season. Looking back I realize that I had not been man enough to admit how much I needed Connie to be MY helper. I am a high “D” personality on the DISC scale. Basically that means I don’t need a lot of people’s praise and I really don’t care a whole bunch about what you think. Connie is the exception. I care what she thinks about everything. I need her to come and see me and tell me that she and the kids prayed for me before I speak. That makes the difference for me. I need her afterwards to tell me I did a good job and then I need her to tell me what I can do better. She is the helper I need. The helper fit for me. I know this may be slightly controversial, but I think that is what she was created to do.

If you are married, what season are you in? Does it fit your family values? (post of our family values coming soon)